Welcome to the most exclusive funeral you’ll ever attend—the funeral for my fat. 😜
Dress code? Black. Mood? Somewhere between sassy and savage. Let’s dive into the ceremony, shall we?
The Eulogy for the Fat
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bid farewell to a truly stubborn companion. My fat. You’ve been with me through thick and…well, thicker. But your reign ends now.”
It’s not me; it’s you. You clung to my thighs like an overly attached ex, but today, this treadmill is my restraining order. And oh, the black outfit? A symbol of mourning—for the chips, the cookies, and the lazy Sundays sacrificed in this battle.
The Procession: Walking to the Gym
Every funeral has a march, and mine begins the moment I step into the gym. Black leggings, black top, black sneakers—because let’s be real, no one needs to see the sweat stains of war. My fat may not die quickly, but it will die dramatically.
The gym mirrors are like funhouse mirrors of self-reflection: “Look at me, dripping in dedication...and also a questionable amount of pre-workout.”
The Guests of the Funeral
Let’s not forget the peanut gallery:
- The “motivational” gym buddy: “You’re doing great, sweetie!” while they do half a push-up and call it a day.
- The protein shake enthusiast: They came dressed for a gala, not a funeral.
- The skinny legend who ‘doesn’t need to workout’: Oh, Susan, your time will come.
Meanwhile, I’m here, dressed like a gothic avenger, mourning the carbs I didn’t eat and the fat that refuses to leave.
The Afterparty: Cheat Meal Wake
Like any good funeral, we end with a reception—except my post-workout meal is chicken, broccoli, and a lot of resentment. But hey, I light a candle for pizza and promise to reunite once I’ve avenged my wardrobe’s dignity.
Why We Wear Black
We wear black not just to look fierce but because it hides sins—like last night’s donut binge. It’s slimming, it’s dramatic, and it screams, “Don’t mess with me, or I’ll lunge you into oblivion.”
So here’s to us, the warriors in black, sweating for our future selves.
May our fat rest in pieces, and may our leggings never rip under pressure.😂😂😂🙌
Silvia
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